


there's no way out

by ayumihayashi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 15:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19833292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayumihayashi/pseuds/ayumihayashi
Summary: Please, put pretty flowers on my grave. I like pretty flowers.





	there's no way out

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry for this, i needed to get it off my chest.

_"Taeil,_  
  
_I don’t know how to start this, I overthink too much. I always overthink goodbyes. I have always hated goodbyes. I have preferred “see you later” or “goodnight” to a “goodbye”. But this is my goodbye. I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection. But I do believe that we have the right to do so._  
  
_I'm careless, I'm loud, I use this "happy" facade because I'm still afraid, deep down, of letting myself be hurt. Sometimes, I would like to imagine that I’ll wake up happier, and that these feelings would have passed, and that this note won’t ever be placed gently on my bed, for someone to open and read, but I do know that is not the case. Someone will probably read this one day. I’m sorry. I guess this isn’t just a “goodbye” it’s also an “I’m sorry”, because I am. I am sorry for causing so much trouble. I don’t know how to manage anymore. I’m terrified and in pain. And I guess, I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry. I know this is selfish, I know, this isn’t the right thing to do. I can’t face these days anymore. I want you to know that I do care, and that you mean so much to me, but this is my only way out. I’m trapped within the walls of being alone._  
  
_I have lived a good life, and I have good people in it, but that doesn’t mean I am happy. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could be a better person for you, and for me. I want you to know, this is no one’s fault but my own. You did nothing to drive me to this decision, it’s all on me. So please, don’t think you did anything to cause this because, I love you. And I do not want to see you hurting like me. Everything just became too much and I lost it._  
  
_I won’t forget any of you I swear. I love you all, more than anything and that’s why I’m saying goodbye. I can’t continue to ruin your lives and destroy you and make you sad. I have been selfish for far too long. I needed you guys, more than anything and I didn’t care how any of it affected you._  
  
_And now, sitting here, I see how it hurt you all. How I hurt you. I’m so sorry._  
  
_You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think I've ever saw someone like you before, you are truly someone special. You have been entirely patient with me and I can't thank you enough, but I can't go and ruin your life like I've ruined mine._  
  
_Don’t worry, I will always be in your heart. Loving you from a distance. I will always protect you, guide you and be with you. I don’t want to see you sad and cry again. Don't mourn, at least not for long, please._  
  
_I hope you will find it in your hearts, you and the others, to forgive me for my actions, and I hope everything goes well for you all. I hope you have lovely lives, and future families. You’ll never see me this sad again. I was a handful. I won’t be anymore. I won’t be your problem._  
  
_In my closet, you will find a little red box, open it. There is photographs and things that were important to me. I kept those things for years. It’s like a piece of me, so please keep them._  
  
_Please, put pretty flowers on my grave. I like pretty flowers._  
  
_I love you._  
_Youngho, your Youngho."_

  
  
Taeil crumples the note and holds it to his heart. Tears never stopping from running down his face. Youngho. His Youngho, the one he loved and cherished so much was gone, for good, for ever.  
  
Taeil is sitting on the roof, looking at the heavens for the boy who never learned to fly.  
  
"I love you too," he whispered weakly.

**Author's Note:**

> International Suicide Hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> U.S: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> Please use it if you need any help.


End file.
